I see me

Well, the wig is gone. My hair has finally grown to a length that I figure out something to do with it. Luckily a very small curling iron, 1/8" and 1/2" barrels, are able to be used. I have to admit my stock in hair products is rising as well. It's a different look but it's me. I finally see me in the mirror. You just don't know how happy that makes me feel. I still have some lingering side effects from treatments. Fighting off a head cold that is trying to settle in my chest. I was suppose to have my port removed tomorrow but will post-pone until January. I'm not to comfortable having any type of surgery while being somewhat sick. All in all things are going great. I have absolutely no complaints. And when they creep up, I only have to think back over the last 8 months. Thanksgiving was great. We went to Dallas to see both sides of the family. Short trip but everyone was together that I haven't seen since early in my treatments. Looking forward to Christmas. The holidays just intensify how thankful I am for what I have. Good friends and the best family. Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season.

Remission

Today, seven months almost to the day of being diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma, I'm in remission! It just doesn't seem real. This whole ride has been quite amazing. Doc said my PET/CT scans show everything is back to normal. Including the egg size mass in my chest. Gone. Can you believe that?! I thought when I heard the "all clear" that I'd just emotionally collapse but I haven't. I've had to stay so strong through tests, treatments, and pain that I'm not sure how to deal with such wonderful news. How do you let go after everything that's happened? I mean, yes, I did tear up in the office, hugging Ric, feeling like we've just won a marathon but I really expected more out of myself. I can't help wonder if holding all of the emotions in during the most trying time of my life has now prevented me from releasing emotional energy. I had a hard time sleeping last night. Got up about 3am and blindly surfed the internet. I wasn't really looking for anything specific. As I was getting ready this morning, I didn't pay much attention to the colors I picked. It dawned on me later that I picked a purple shirt. Just so happens purple is the color for Hodgkins. Coincidence? Maybe. What might be a coincidence to some is a spiritual message to others. I had my normal chat with "The Man" asking for the strength to deal with whatever the test results revealed. One might have asked to hear "no more cancer" instead. There's a reason I've been lead down this path. If I was to ask to be cured before I set out on this journey, what lesson do you learn? Of course I wanted to be cured and definitely not deal with this whole situation but something told me I would have to work for this. I've learned a lot during this journey. Not only about myself but about others as well. I know this is just the beginning. Cancer was brought into my life to give me a jump start to something. Nothing like a kick in the ass to get your going huh! God works in mysterious ways. Needless to say, my life will never be the same. I just hope I don't let him down. My next checkup is Feb 09. Since both my scans came back "all clear" in June and last week, I won't have any further tests until next June/July. Monday I'll visit my surgeon to discuss removing the port. I'll be very happy to have that removed. I want to thank everyone, again, for your overwhelming support, care, and concern. I hope my blog has helped you deal with something in your life as much as it's helped me deal with Cancer. It's been an amazing experience and I couldn't have made it without each and every one of you.

Almost There

Tomorrow I go for my 3 month PET/CT scans. The results will be given Monday. To say I'm a little anxious is a huge understatement. The main thought in my head is the saying, If God brought it to you, he'll bring you through it. I definitely have all my eggs in that basket. I feel pretty good. Been tired lately. Had my first follow up with the Radiation doc last week. It went pretty good. He told me not to be surprised if my scans reveal a "false positive" which is due to just completing treatment. I'm really glad he told me that. I can't imagine the melt down I would have had to hear that as a test result with no prior warning. I was a little disappointed that could happen but at least I know. We also discussed how the docs tell what a "false positive" is, etc. Work is going well. I still have moments of idle time that I'm not use to. I also feel there's a bigger plan for me but I'm not sure what or where that will be. Things just aren't the same anymore. One thing I do notice is how beautiful each day is and how blessed I am to enjoy it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't thank God. Both of my girls are trying out for basketball. This will be Shelby's first year and Paige's second. I'm really excited for both of them and can't wait to see both on the court playing. What a rush that will be. I tend to get a little excited when my kids play sports. Not much else going on right now. More news on Monday.

Happy Labor Day

Well, two weeks post radiation and two months post chemo. Amazing how time flies. I've been back at work for 1-1/2 weeks and I must say normal is taking a new meaning. I'm so use to going 100 mph that my now 5 mph is somewhat difficult to manage. Change is definitely in the works for me. As for the side effects to all of my treatments, I'm still dealing with some. Joint pain in the hips which causes my back to become sore quickly, usually after walking. Also experiencing some chest sensations that I think is from either acid reflux or heartburn, although it doesn't feel like the typical symptoms. I'll probably call the doc on this one. Started taking Claritin for itching which, along with lots of lotion, seems to be working. Other than that, things are going great. My hair and eyebrows are growing back quite nicely. Yeah! I've got several doc visits this month but just routine. The big day is 10/13. I'll find out the results of both a CT and PET scan, which will be 10/8. I expect good results. Hope everyone is doing well.

I Made It!

WOO HOOOO!!!! Just completed my last radiation treatment. What an unbelievable journey these last five months have been. I can't begin to put into words how I feel. As the zapping was done and they unbolted me from the table, I couldn't help but yell out WOOO HOOO!!!!!! They heard me all the way up front but I didn't care. What a ride. I've learned so much these last five months. It's amazing how such a dark experience can bring so much good to a person's life. The continuous support by family, friends, coworkers, and customers was a blessing. I never felt alone. There were many nights, lying in bed, that I would just silently cry. Being the wife of a Special Operations Soldier teaches you to be strong and resilient to almost anything, but this was a true test of will. I was adamant to beat this no matter how bad it got. At times I wasn't sure about this journey but I have to admit, my faith in God brought me through. I honestly believe attitude and mind set are two key factors to conquer anything. As I said back in March, I would dance with the devil. I did and I won. If you want to compete with me, you'd better bring your "A Game" 'cause I don't play. As my grandmother use to say "I ain't studding you." I've been told my blog has helped others. I'm very thankful for that. Having Cancer has allowed me some memorable experiences. I was able to spend the summer with my oldest daughter and a few weeks with my youngest. Times I will treasure dearly. The most difficult part of this journey was the day I had to tell my girls. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But, as faith would have it, they're both home today, although sick, but with me on my last day of treatment. A blessing in disguise. And my husband.....a strong man who stood by me everyday angered he couldn't do anything about this. The one thing he did do was make me laugh. That too was a blessing. So as I continue to travel down this new path of mine, there will be changes. My priorities have definitely been rearranged. If there's one thing I've learned from this it's don't take anything for granted. As George Carlin once stated "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." So my message to all of you is simply this. No matter how bad your situation is, remember someone else is dealing with something much worse. It will be okay. One way or another. The next step for me is returning to work, which I plan to do Thursday. It will be a gradual return, taking one day at a time. I'm excited to get back to my life, knowing "normal" will have a new definition. My three month checkup is Oct 13th, which will deliver CT/PET scan results. This will show how all the treatments have fared with the cancer cells. I have all the faith in the world the results will be outstanding. Thank you to everyone for standing by me. Your prayers and support continue to amaze me. I'm very thankful for all of you.

Today was a Good Day

Just five more treatments to go! Yeah! Still dealing with a sore throat and eating soft foods. It's tolerable though. Today was a really uplifting day. Not just because another treatment is complete but because I had the chance to talk with another radiation patient. She was just amazing. I had already completed my zapping for the day and was waiting to see the doc. Tuesday's are doctor day. Just a check up on how things are going. Anyway, as I'm waiting, this lady comes through, just finished with her zapping, and proceeds to ask me how I am but in a genuinely, caring way. I was so touched by her sincerity. Most times when I see other patients, we just smile and say hi. Nobody really wants to discuss their cancer. But this lady....she was different. She took the time to sit down and just talk. I found out she's just starting her radiation treatments, which go until mid-September, then moves to chemo. I told her I had already done chemo which she replied "I can tell." Well duh Annie! What was her first clue? Not much hair? No eyebrows? Pale skin? Geez! When you're in a room full of other cancer patients, you tend to blend in. I forgot what I looked like. It was funny though. When she told me how long her radiation treatments were, I told her that was great! Not much longer. Based on the look she gave, it's longer to her. But, I told her, it's better than the alternative. She agreed and said we're in "The Club" now. Yes, I said. We are. The survivors club.

10 Down 7 to Go

Over half way with radiation...yeah! I'm now a member of the sore throat club. Eating soft foods in very small bites. As the nurse said, I've got a sun burn on the inside. If you tilt your
head back and press where the adams apple would be, that's the location of the soreness. In the mornings it doesn't hurt much at all but as soon as I eat or drink, game on. They gave me some
"magic mouthwash" which taste absolutely awful. It's suppose to numb my throat so I can eat without so much pain. I have a choice of taking 1 or 2 tbls, so I chose the smaller amount. The only thing that got numb was my tongue. That was different! I guess I'll have to try 2 tbls to see if it effects my throat. I can only imagine how my tongue will feel. I also found out I have to wait six weeks before any tests are run which means the CT/PET scans scheduled 9/24 will move out a week. Fine with me. I don't want inaccurate test readings. Overall I feel okay. I'm very excited this is almost over.

1st Week of Radiation Complete

Five down 12 to go. Overall not a bad week although I am starting to feel somewhat of a sore throat. It actually feels like the start of a sore throat and only on the left side, which is the side that did not have an enlarged lymph node. Strange. Also have slight color on my neck but not to the point of a burn. I got really tired this week too. Very strange how the fatigue set in. It's a feeling of pure exhaustion. No energy to speak of. I didn't have that during chemo, although I was tired. It was a different tired. Appetite is decreasing but I'm okay with that due to some weight gain during chemo. I think my hair has stopped falling out and is actually starting to thicken up. I know it will take several months but as long as it's growing, I'm good with it. Eyebrows are a bit slow. Figures the one thing I really do want to hurry up and grow doesn't. Oh well. Patience, patience, patience.

Good News Again

Had another lung test today. The results are fantastic! My lower lobe performance went from 60% to 90%. This is better than the first test done prior to chemo. The radiation doc says it's due to the chest mass shrinking. That's a lot of shrinkage. I couldn't physically tell a difference but I'll take the improvement. The second rad treatment today went well. Much better than yesterday. Prior to arriving I stopped at my favorite coffee house (Starbucks) to just chill. Good coffee and a book. It was nice to sit there for a short while. I'm sure I'll be doing that more often throughout the treatments. I was surfing other Hodgkin blogs and ran across this picture of a man getting radiation. This will give you all an idea of what I do every day. The mesh mask is very snug. The machine does rotate around in order to zap one on the top and once from underneath. Met with the doc today too. Not much to discuss. So, two down and 15 more to go.
Hope everyone has a great week.

First Radiation Complete

Well, the hard part is over. First radiation treatment is done. I really don't have the right words to describe how it felt other than it was different. Kind of like an extended x-ray. When I got there, I didn't have to wait but maybe five minutes. After I changed into a gown and was led into the zapping room, they had me lay down on a table. I have a mesh mask that's molded to my face. Once it's put on me it gets bolted to the table. This is to keep me in place so I don't move. Trust me, when the zapping begins, you don't want to move. Today's visit included some real x-rays to confirm where to put the tattoos. They outlined the radiation area first then added the tats. Not the pin dots I've read about. With a blue sharpie, my chest became a connect the dots activity. Luckily I can wash most of it off. I had radiation both on the front and back. It only took about 30 - 45 seconds top. Very fast. The mesh mask makes it hard to keep my eyes open so most of the time they were closed. I couldn't really tell what was going on anyway. I must have done something right. They kept telling me I was doing a good job. Funny, I've never heard that for doing nothing. It got amusing after a while. Radiation is no where close to receiving chemo. Like I said, it was very different. I have to admit I was scared. I don't like not knowing what to expect. When it was time to actually radiate, I tried to recite the Lords Prayer......except I forgot the words. Never in my life has that happened. He knows what I was trying to say, though. Tomorrow I have a PFT (lung) test just as a follow up. Should pass with flying colors. I also will meet with the radiation doc for my weekly check-up. Other than that, only 16 more to go. I'm very happy to have finally started the last leg of this. I'm looking forward to this being over and getting back to a "normal" life. We all know normal now has a new meaning.

An update and some music

As I was surfing other blogs, reading about other's experiences, I noticed some had a music list. So, being the curious person that I am, I've done the same. I've added a mixture of songs just for the heck of it. Actually, I did it to see if I could. Anyway, hope you all enjoy the music. This past Tuesday marked a small mile stone for me. It would have been a chemo day. Wednesday would have been shot day. Woo Hoo neither occurred. I did have some body aches but they're slowly subsiding. I'm starting to sleep without any drugs. I'm very happy about that. There's only so much on the t.v. to watch. Now if my eyebrows would start to grow back, I'd be a very happy camper. My hair is not falling out near as much. Just a little. It's actually about 1-1/2" long but thinned out considerably. I've got to call the hair salon to see if a haircut would stimulate growth, by getting rid of damaged hair. Ric, my husband, called me a chia pet the other night. Can't repeat my response but we did laugh. One more week and the radiation starts. Hopefully the days go by fast.

Let the Radiation Begin!

Saw the doc today. 17 treatments starting 7/28 and ending 8/19. There is an end to this game!
Can't start any sooner due to needing 3-4 weeks to make sure the chemo is through my system. Otherwise, my skid would be as red as a fire hydrant. The visit today was really good. Doc was very patient with my questions and gave detailed answers. I feel good about the treatments and believe it's the right thing to do. Each treatment is about 15 mins long. They actually schedule patients 15 mins apart. Can anyone say moooooo! Just kidding. The folks at the radiation place are very nice and supportive. Due to my last PET scan being negative before finishing chemo, it has allowed the radiation dose to be lower. This is really good. It reduces the risk of late secondary cancers, although doesn't omit the chance. As we all know, there are no absolutes in life, especially when treating cancer. But, my chances are reduced which is comforting. Side effects from radiation will be dry skin to effected areas which lotion should take care of, a lump in my throat which is due to dryness, and fatigue. That has become such an ugly word. Today the did a CT scan to show the radiated areas in 3D. These images will be "dumped" into a software planning system to help pinpoint the specific spots to radiate. They put "markers" on me today which are used to line me up on the first visit. I have one right above the trachea, two down the breast bone area, and one on each side of my rib cage. They'll radiate from the diaphragm up to where the wind pipes split, behind the breast bone, right arm pit, and both sides of my neck. My thyroid will be protected so the chances of having problems with that later on is lower too. The neck radiation is from the top of the adams apple about an inch or so towards each ear and down just past the collar bone. The rads will encompass a small portion of the right side of my heart and part of my right lung. Again, doc says due to the low dose, both run a lower risk of any future problems. Late side effects include the possibility of shingles (adult chicken pox) and something called Lhermittes syndrome. The latter is due to being radiated to the neck. It's basically an electric shock feeling down the legs when you tuck your chin to your chest. When I asked the doc what I could do to prevent it, he said don't tuck your chin. Well duh! So all in all, and like I've said before, this could be much worse. I'm hoping the side effects will be limited as the doc says but we all know each of us react differently. We'll see. All I know is I'd start tomorrow if I could. It's time to complete this journey and get on with my life. A much improved life it will be, but none the less, it's time to move on. Since radiation is every day (M-F), I'll be able to add more to the postings. Hope everyone is enjoying there summer. Mine is getting better each day.

It's Halftime

I'm done! I'm done! I'm done! Today was the last chemo. Met with the doc and gave her my list of side effects. The newest item added was kidney pain. Without any prompting from me, the doc stated today would be my last treatment. The toxins from the chemo out weigh any positive impact from two extra treatments. She also stated the percentage of longevity was NOT great enough to risk toxic side effects from the two extra treatments. I was so glad to hear that. It's exactly how I felt two weeks ago. The only way to describe how I feel is this....in the movies we see people who are drowning in a lake/river. When they come up for air that huge gasp they take.....that's how I felt today. A ton has been lifted off my shoulders. The biggest asset through this whole situation has been praying. I waited about 30 minutes for the doc. I just sat in the chair, eyes closed, and prayed. Although I did ask for this to be my last treatment, I also promised to follow whatever path was set before me. I left it in God's hands to show me the way.....and he did. Last night, Rob and Mary came by the house to say hi and deliver a very special gift. Timing was perfect. I was very bored and very anxious. The special gift is from the Barkers. Thank you Pam! A nice framed, scripted piece that says "Trust me. I have everything under control. Jesus." I must have read it 10 times. It's true though. Today was just an affirmation of how strong faith is. It was an amazing feeling to hear the docs words. That was the clearest sign I've had that I'm healed. Just a little more to do though. The first radiation visit is 7/16, unless someone cancels and I can take their spot. That visit is the consult. I was told I'd have to wait 3-4 weeks to start radiation in order to get the chemo out of my system. I'm leaning towards the three weeks. I'm ready to get started and ready to be done. No more tests until the end of September. At that time another CT and PET scan will be done. My 3 month checkup is 10/1, at which time I'll get the test results. That visit will be the first confirmation the chemo and radiation worked. I feel like they will. So this is my last round of chemo side effects. Whew. I'm so relieved and breathing easier. Thank you all for being in my corner. The cards, blog postings, support, and especially the prayers, have been wonderful. I couldn't have made it through this without you all. I have a break for a few weeks and will definitely relish in my blessings. I have a lot to be thankful for.

Test Results In - 6/17/08

Well, the PET scan shows no evidence of disease while the CT scan showed remarkable shrinkage on the masses. Woo Hoo! Prayers are answered. Now the curve ball.......doc suggested two additional treatments for "insurance" purposes. That wasn't taken so well, especially since I have two left on the original plan. Now possibly two more on top of that for
"just in case?!" I'm struggling with this. A lot of people will say the doc knows best and I don't necessarily disagree. However, when I asked for the pros/cons of the two add'l treatments, I didn't get an answer. Might be the language barrier due to my doc being Vietnamese, so I reworded the question. If the tests show now evidence of cancer and I have two treatments left, wouldn't that be enough? Do we really need to push the envelope by putting poison in my body two more times? I also got an answer of well we can stop as originally planned and go on to radiation. Also got the statement if I do two add'l treatments, the percentages are better. What I didn't get was the actual percentage number. I know you all are feeling my frustration with this so please bear with me while I try to rationalize this situation. Last night I went back and read every posting and comment thus far. What an emotional ride. In an effort to get back on track in dealing with the balance of treatments, I'm trying to focus on one day at a time. I sat in the church yesterday and asked God to heal me. This is a repeated prayer. I promised to follow the path he chooses based on the test results. The test results are clean. No evidence of disease. So what now? Especially when the doc presents it as an option. I'm not afraid to deal with the side effects but I am afraid of pushing the envelope by putting these drugs in my system more than what possibly be needed. My lungs have already suffered but can repair themselves. My heart, liver, kidneys are okay right now but are at a risk and can't repair themselves if something happens. Regardless if I do the extra treatments or not, there's no guarantee this won't come back. Am I making any sense? I go back tomorrow for my shot (wbc's). I'm hoping I can get some time with the doc to discuss this some more. If not then I'll ask for a consult with her prior to the next treatment. All I need is for her to stand her ground when making a decision. Just explain why. Are there other options? On the flip side of all of this, I am extremely grateful for the test results. Every one's support, care, concern, and prayers have been absolutely wonderful. I'm trying not to let the possibility of two more treatments over shadow my blessings. This is a tough decision for me. I will admit, this time, it really is all about me. I won't make a final decision until I know I can be a peace with it. As of now, my gut, my heart, and my head are saying no. I've prayed for strength and guidance since day one. I really need it now.

Waiting for Results

Completed the CT scan and PET scan. No results yet. Tuesday, 6/17, will be the big day. Treatment #7 and confirmation on the next step. Praying hard for good news. The chemo is wearing me down. Mentally, I feel strong but physically it's getting tough. Side effects are lasting longer. Sleeping helps so I'm doing more of that. Taking the pain meds but they don't always work. Laying down in a dark, cool room, listening to relaxation or healing music seems to help. All the years spent in Martial Arts have paid off. Though not physically defending myself, I am mentally. Was fortunate to have another Reiki treatment with Mary the other day. That's always a huge help. Thanks Mary! You're in my prayers as you travel and put closure to your situation. Via email, I signed up to receive a positive quote each day. The one below seems to really fit my situation. Pam...I know you'll enjoy this one.

Faith Is Knowing One of Two Things...
When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it is time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
Edward Teller

#6 done - how many to go?

6 treatments down, not sure how many are left. Met with the doc today. Lung test came back such that the bleo (B) of the ABVD drugs was removed due to the lower lung volume. The heart test came back fine. In a month, we'll do another lung test to see how much has healed. At that time we'll see if the bleo is added back in. She also stated the lymph node on my neck was gone to the touch, which is great. The one under my arm is the same way. That's great news. Friday I'll have a CT scan of my chest and stomach. The chest part is normal which is to see how the chemo and cancer have reacted to each other. The stomach test is a safety test to make sure nothings going on other than a chemo side effect. I've been having a burning feeling about a week after treatments that last several days. Always the same time frame lasting the about three days. Next Wednesday, I'll have a PET scan. Also a normal test to see how the cancer and chemo have reacted to each other. When I go back for treatment #7, June 17th, we'll see if I get a few more chemo's or go to radiation after the 8th treatment. The way I understand this is, the purpose of chemo is to kill the cancer cells and shrink the masses as much as possible. Radiation is basically clean up on the masses. I'll also have another PET scan after the last chemo, whenever that is, along with a several week break before radiation. Here's the really good news! Two weekends after my last chemo, I can have a margarita! Doc said it was okay as long as I didn't get drunk. So, JD.....it's on baby! Looking forward to a double. So my feelings today are back in check. I'm okay with some more chemo if that's what it takes to kill the cancer and hopefully help reduce the radiation experience. That part is worrying me a little with those possible side effects. One day at a time though. Doing good mentally. A little tired physically but nothing new. The next visit will be a big deal. At least we'll know more on the future. So until then, hope everyone is enjoying their summer. Thanks for your continued support and prayers.

Doing Better

Well, for those of you who have never just sat in an empty church, you should try it. A very healing experience. I feel much better than the last posting and feel like I'm back on the right path. Pam....you're an angel! Thank you for your very inspiring words and prayers. I feel like I have my second wind. No treatment today. I didn't notice the appointment date but it's tomorrow. No openings today. Good news too. That means I'm one day closer to the next treatment. Shelby, my youngest daughter, gave me a new bandanna. It has skulls and flames all over it. Think I might wear that tomorrow just to be different. If nothing else it will make me smile knowing I can push the envelope. Have a great day everyone!

Staying Home

Well......I've decided to take a leave of absence until treatments are over. It was a hard decision but I think the right one. The main reason is due to not knowing how I'll feel each day. Being unreliable is new for me and not something I'm enjoying. So to make it easier on everyone at work, I'm staying home. Plus, I know I need to just chill for a while and focus 100% on me. Not something I'm use to doing so not really sure how to do this. I don't typically put myself ahead of others, plus I get bored easy. I know what you're all saying....take care of you! I know...I know....and I am. I'm working to stay positive and not angry. Three more treatments for chemo. A PET scan afterwards to see what the next step is. More chemo, start radiation, or is that it? One day at a time is getting to be a big challenge. Patience is not one of my better traits so you can imagine how I'm feeling. Trying to race to the finish line while running in place.

When I found out I had cancer, I had a strong pull to go to church. Not the normally Sunday service either. I would go and just sit....and cry...and pray for strength and guidance. I didn't ask "why me" because I feel very selfish with that thought. But I do ask what's at the end of this journey? What's at the end of the path? There's a reason this is happening.....what is that reason? Now that I'm over half way with chemo, I have the same feeling as I did in the beginning. The pull to the church. One part of this journey is close to the end. Chemo. After the last chemo treatment (July 1), I'll have another PET Scan to see how the cancer cells reacted. I'm very eager to know how the first leg of this journey ends. Very impatient. So I'll go and pray for patience. As a very smart woman once told me, "God has your back." Faith is what I'm lacking and need to find. So for all of you who have me in your prayers, I ask that you pray to restore my faith and to give me strength. I still believe God is watching over me but I'm angry I have to deal with this and I'm really trying not to be selfish. So if you all will pray to keep me strong, I'll pray for forgiveness.

3 More to go

5th treatment complete....over the hump and on the down slide. I have to admit it's a bit more challenging for me now. Not only the physical side effects but mentally as well. I find myself just angry at the world. If anyone has input on the psychological aspects of anger and chemo, I'm all ears. I know how lucky I am to only be dealing with my type/stage of cancer but enough is enough. I know this journey has a purpose and I'm headed down the path to figure out why. And though I'm not suppose to wish for anything, I am ready for this to be over. I'm ready to be healed. If cancer was a person, hurt doesn't come close to what I'd do to them. Today doc said the node in my neck was practically undetectable. Same with the one under my arm. Great news! I've got another lung test tomorrow and echo cardiogram Thursday. Precautionary tests. Also got another drug for burning in tummy. Hopefully it works. Overall I'm doing fine. Over anxious but that's in my nature. Celebrated my birthday last week. Wasn't too bad of a day. Nice and sunny. Also watched my girls get inducted into the National Junior Honor Society for their middle school. I'm so proud of them for doing so well. I have awesome kids. Not much else to report. Thanks for your continued support and prayers. It keeps me going.

Tuesday 5/6/08 - Chemo#4 - Half way done!

Today took a bit longer than normal due to a later start. It's made me more tired than a morning session but overall feeling okay. A little irritable but not whacking anyone yet. Blood work came back good again this time. Whew! Met with the doc and found the node on my neck is even smaller. The one under my arm is NOT detectable which is good too. After my last scheduled chemo (7/1), we'll do another CT and PET Scan to see how the chemo and cancer cells reacted. That will determine if I get another round of chemo or go straight to Rad. Sounds like I'm doing Radiation no matter what. If I'm lucky I might be done with everything by the end of July. That will be nice. Not much else to post at this time. Thanks for the continued support. It's times like today where it really helps.

Sunday 5/4/08 - Why?

Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about how cancer has effected my life. The one question I've yet to ask is "why me?" I'm not asking now but I am evaluating my life both pre and post cancer. Last year was really tough. Professionally, there was some turn over which resulted in others, including myself, taking on additional work. During those times stress was high which can make you question a lot of things. One is self worth. Without going into a lot of details, cancer has answered a lot of questions for me.

One day late last year, I spent the weekend with a good friend. As I sat at the waters edge watching the sunset (drinking a Miller Lite - which I could use right now), I started to question my career path. I think we all do that at some point or another. This was during a rough patch and was really more about self-worth. Not knowing what else to do, I prayed for guidance. Now, about seven months later, I have zero job responsibilities. Not quite what I expected. As I stated before, cancer strips you of your physical identity through the side effects. Now cancer has stripped me of my professional identity. Don't misread this. I'm still holding the same position at work but with changes to get through the treatments. By stating cancer strips you down, it in turn shows the raw being of a person. I've done a lot of soul searching since March 3rd (first time doc said uh oh). I've learned a lot about myself and have become a more spiritual person. I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe everything works out, one way or another. Some people may say...well duh...yes everything happens for a reason and yes things work out..they have to. To those people I say, don't be so cynical. When tough times occur, look within to find your answers.

Although cancer is a terrible disease, it has its good points. It makes you change what needs to change, hear what you need to hear, and see what needs to improve within yourself. It also strengthens friendships. That is one of the benefits I'm most grateful for. The most precious gift of all though is, it makes you see what you have. How many of us take things for granted? We all do. Speaking from experience.....slow down and enjoy the sunshine.

Tuesday May 6th is chemo#4. This is the half way point and I'm sooooo glad. I have to admit I'm getting a little tired of this rodeo. I'm ready to be healed. You all have been wonderful to me. Your continued support is a blessing. Thank you for sticking by me.

Tuesday 4/22/08 - Chemo#3 Complete

What a great day! Blood work came back good. WBC's are up, way up, from last visit so the shot is working. Iron pills are kicking in to hold RBC's in place. Chemo juice went well too. Feeling really good today. Getting my hair buzzed over the weekend has made all the difference. One less thing to worry about. I watched Good Morning America today and saw Robyn Roberts without her wig. What a beautiful woman and more power to her. I was chearing from the couch! My hair is about that short. Seeing her on national tv was very encouraging. What a great example for all cancer patients. I have to share an experience from today's Chemo. Ric is sick so not able to go in with me today. He played cab driver and was not there to keep me quite. Each time I go in, there are a few others who are on the same schedule as I. One imparticular is a man, not elderly, but a little older, who seems to find the negative side of treatment each week and share with me. Well, I really don't want to hear about the negative side. I know what they are. I've tried to be pleasant but today we had to chat. Don't worry, I was nice (really I was). But I can't just sit by idle while he stirs everyone up within ear shot. He asked me how many treatments I've had, which this was the third. I asked him the same. He replies 12 total with today being #7. I reply that's great. You're half way done. He looked at me like I was nuts! His reply was "Great!" then made some goofy noise. I looked at him and said listen...it could be worse. You could NOT be receiving treatment. At least you're being treated. Where's the faith! Where's your will to get better?! Well needless to say that conversation ended. We did talk later but not about that. I'm telling you. Cancer Rebel here........you sit on my row and you will have hope....you will have faith......and we will kick Cancer's Ass! Nothing less is acceptable. Maybe I can help turn him around. I was very fortunate to also sit next to some good friends. Kay and Joel were there for Joel's last chemo while having 3 more rad's to completion. Great job Joel! Hang in there. Kay and Joel were here when Ric and I joined the unit. Kay was one of the wives who "groomed" me to be a Lady Nightstalker. Awesome lady! Please keep them in your prayers as he completes and heals from his treatments. We definitely will have a hell of party when this is over. Well my friends and family, not much else to report this time. 5 more treatments! Woo Hoo. Almost half way. Thank you for your continued support and prayers. It's all working. Have a great week!

Sunday 4/20/08 - Moving On

Well another hurdle is complete. A week ago tomorrow, my hair started to come out. Although I knew this would happen, this has been a struggle for me. As I was washing my hair, I noticed "tons" in my hands. The only thought I could muster was...well crap! The rest of the day was a bit of a bummer, emotionally. Tuesday came and the same thing happened. Pretty much the same thought but as I was getting ready for work, I stood looking at my hair in the mirror, looked at the sink full of hair, back to the mirror, and though...it's just hair. At that moment, I think I came to grips to work past this situation. You see, cancer physically strips you of your identity through the various side effects (nausa, aches, hair loss, mental draining, etc). My whole goal is to face each obstical head on, as I try to do in everyday life. Running away is not something I know how to do. Tuesday was a good day for me. Wednesday was a prep day, of sorts. My friend Debbie was able to make an appointment at her hair salon for a lady to cut/style my wig. She did a great job too! I will admit, when the fitting was over, emotionally it was tough to see me with a wig on. Yes tears were evident but short lived. After showing my mom and two ladies she works with, hearing their reassurance made me feel better. My next stop was work. I thought about going home, but felt biting the bullet was what needed to be done. Luckily my coworkers felt it looked okay as well. Whew. Of course I had them all swear they'd tell me if the stupid thing is ever crooked. On Thursday/Friday, I had every intention of wearing the wig but decided to wash/dry/somewhat style my own hair, just one last time. Fortunatly all went well. I did notice considerable thinning right above my forehead which solidifed my decision to get a buzz cut. Saturday was my day. After a week of assiting with the Fortune 500 issue, a nice dinner with the customer, it was time to take care of business. I'm not one to ask for anything but having JD there was very reasssuring. It allowed me to humor my way through a tough time. Thank you for being there for me. I had surfed the internet for women's buzz cuts....you'd be amazed what showed up! I only found one picture for reference. As I was getting buzzed, I thought I would be emotionally weak. I wasn't. That just reassured me it was the right move. It actually doesn't look that bad either. So now, I'm ready to move forward with the wig. I have my hats and scarfs as well. Now all I have to focus on are the treatments. I found out I will be getting another shot to boost my white blood cells. Seems like the routine will be chemo on Tuesdays with the shot on Wednesdays. Whatever it takes. This adventure has taught me a lot so far. The biggest lesson came from my surgeon. Prior to the biopsy, on 3/6/08, he made a statement that has had a profound effect on me. Instead of hoping/wishing for anything, just take what you're dealt with and deal with it. It would be easy for me to stay home everyday due to aches/pains/not feeling well. But that's not me. Through the meaningful words of my surgeon and shear praying for strength and guidance, I've learned to deal with what today brings. Tomorrow is no guarantee. Living life as normal as possible is the ultimate goal. So next week brings chemo#3. I'm anxious to get started so I can say in the next blog, five more to go. Woo Hoo! I hope everyone has a great week. I know I will.

Tuesday 4/8/08 - Chemo#2 Complete

Much better session this time. Helps to know what to expect, although I've come to not expect anything so not to get disappointed. That applied to today, somewhat. After the routine blood work was done, the Chemo nurse commented my wbc was low that she would have to consult the doc to see if I could receive treatment or wait a week for the wbc to rebound. That's the joy of receiving chemo. The drugs are so powerful, they kill both good and bad cells. My hope is someday the docs will discover how to only kill the bad cells. Anyway, doc let me receive treatment but I have to get a shot tomorrow that will help boost the wbc's. Apparently my bone marrow is sensitive, which is good and bad. Good because the drugs are working and bad because the good cells don't have a chance. They're gonna get whacked too. However, I have a plan!! Got a juicer and lots of fruits and veggies along with various recipes. Our concoctions will deliver high vitamin drinks to focus on giving back to my system....and Ric's. He'll get healthy too. Also continuing to eat awful tasting high iron foods (liver, turnip greens,etc.). Yuck...but I eat it because I know it's good for me. Went to lunch with my friend Monica yesterday. I've decided Monday prior to treament days will be "high iron" lunch day. Unfortunalty the place we went only had turnip greens. Even with ham pieces they were terrible, but I ate them. I actually convinced Monica to try them. The look on her face agreed with me that they were not very tasty. You have to laugh though. Like I've said, this will be an adventure. The focus between now and the next treatment is to stay germ free. Good hand washing, stay away from others with cooties, etc. Can't get sick. Doc said to watch for a temperature. If it was to reach 100.4, a 2-3 day vacation stay at the local hospital could occur to reboost my immune system. The shot I get tomorrow is to help avoid that. So I guess more fun is in store. I always did like a challenge. This past Saturday, Ric and I went wig shopping. It gives "a humbling experience" a whole new meaning. Needless to say I didn't fare well but did come home and order two from the same catalog as I did my scarfs and hats. Hopefully they work out. Also bought some hair products called Nixion, which is for thinning and medical breakage. This won't stop my hair from falling out or thinning but should slow it down. I've read a lot of other blogs where others receiving the same chemo drugs as I, only had their hair thin. That's my goal. I'm willing my hair to NOT fall out. Very hard thing for me to deal with. Before I close out this entry, I'd like to say thank you to everyone for keeping me in your prayers. I feel your support. I appreciate the cards and gifts too! Lots of love out there which helped me succeed today and will carry me though each tomorrow. You all are awesome! Growing up an only child has made me very self-sufficient which as always worked for me. In this case, I feel truly blessed to have all of you in my corner. My family has grown to a size unmeasurable. I've changed my (cell) ring tone to the James Brown song "I feel good" because I do. It feels good to be loved and supported. Thank you all for being there for me.

Saturday 3/29/08

Well, a very successful first week ended of chemo and working. Still feeling good but a bit tired at times. I continue to be amazed by all the support from everyone. Very moving. Thank You.
My dear friend Mary gave me a Reiki treatment last night. For those who are not familiar with this, it is a method of spiritual healing focusing on one's "life force energy." It treats the whole person, including body, mind, emotions, and spirit with the effects creating a feeling of peace, relaxation, security, and well-being. I'm a full believer the mind is very powerful and can help over come just about anything. Needless to say, Mary was able to remove a lot of negative energy leading me on a spiritual path of healing. Thank You Mary! Next week is my "off week" which means my next Chemo is 4/8/08. Next week will focus rest and keeping busy. Sounds alike a double-negative but for those who know me understand. I have to stay busy or I'll be crazier than I already am. My scrapbook is coming along. I'll enjoy sharing this with everyone when this is over. So I hope everyone has a great weekend. Remember to smile!

Wednesday 3/26/08

Feeling pretty good today. No side effects so far, except a little tired. Worked on my scrapbook today inserting all the wonderful cards and email notes from everyone. Creative skills are truly challenged trying to make this look good. Aside from enjoying the sunshine, that's been about it. Very relaxing.

First Chemo Treatment

Well, one down and seven to go. What an experience today. Sitting in the chemo chair for the first time was a huge reality check. I couldn't stop my eyes from tearing up. I knew this was coming and thought I was prepared. I don't think anyone can every be 100% prepared to feel what I felt today. But I made it. Doc said my bone marrow is good which means no cancer. Yes!! Huge relief. The chemo treatments are made up of 4 cycles. Each cycle is 4 weeks with each treatment every two weeks. Looks like my day is Tuesday. So that means every other Tuesday will be a chemo treatment. So far I feel good. Taking it easy today and listening to my body. I've slept a little and just chilled with Ric. He's such a comfort for me. The girls are doing well too. Got my first order of hats/scarfs today. Just in time too. Chemo nurse says my hair could start coming out by the next visit, which is 4/8/08. That will be another experience for me. But, I'll get through that too. Everyone's prayers, support, care, and concern has been just amazing. That along with my prayers has really given me the strength to deal with this. I still feel strong and especially blessed. Saying thank you just doesn't seem enough but Thank You!

Monday 3/24/08

This is my first blog so hopefully somewhat easy to keep updated. Thought this would be a good way to keep everyone updated on my progress with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Never thought I'd be dealing with cancer but who does? Today I had a Port installed. Tomorrow, as my friend Tony stated, is "the first day of the rest of my life!" I start chemo. For those who wish to Google what I'm going through, the chemo drugs are ABVD. Pretty aggressive but overall successful with this type of cancer. I also find out the results of a bone marrow test, done last Monday. This will not only determine the stage of the cancer but the final treatment plan. If the bone marrow is clean, meaning no cancer, I'll go through 4 cycles of chemo, each cycle being 4 weeks, with one treatment every 2 weeks. Radiation would follow but I haven't met with them yet so not sure about the details. If the bone marrow comes back showing cancer, then there will be no radiation but 6-8 months of chemo. Guess we'll find out tomorrow. Overall I feel good, strong, and positive all will work out. I appreciate everyone's support and prayers. I've been so overwhelmed by the number of people who care. Everyone has been wonderful. Thank you!! Your support gives me the strength to deal with this. As I've said before, I have a dance with the devil and I intend to win. So bring it on Mr D! My partner is much greater than you....that would be God....