Test Results In - 6/17/08

Well, the PET scan shows no evidence of disease while the CT scan showed remarkable shrinkage on the masses. Woo Hoo! Prayers are answered. Now the curve ball.......doc suggested two additional treatments for "insurance" purposes. That wasn't taken so well, especially since I have two left on the original plan. Now possibly two more on top of that for
"just in case?!" I'm struggling with this. A lot of people will say the doc knows best and I don't necessarily disagree. However, when I asked for the pros/cons of the two add'l treatments, I didn't get an answer. Might be the language barrier due to my doc being Vietnamese, so I reworded the question. If the tests show now evidence of cancer and I have two treatments left, wouldn't that be enough? Do we really need to push the envelope by putting poison in my body two more times? I also got an answer of well we can stop as originally planned and go on to radiation. Also got the statement if I do two add'l treatments, the percentages are better. What I didn't get was the actual percentage number. I know you all are feeling my frustration with this so please bear with me while I try to rationalize this situation. Last night I went back and read every posting and comment thus far. What an emotional ride. In an effort to get back on track in dealing with the balance of treatments, I'm trying to focus on one day at a time. I sat in the church yesterday and asked God to heal me. This is a repeated prayer. I promised to follow the path he chooses based on the test results. The test results are clean. No evidence of disease. So what now? Especially when the doc presents it as an option. I'm not afraid to deal with the side effects but I am afraid of pushing the envelope by putting these drugs in my system more than what possibly be needed. My lungs have already suffered but can repair themselves. My heart, liver, kidneys are okay right now but are at a risk and can't repair themselves if something happens. Regardless if I do the extra treatments or not, there's no guarantee this won't come back. Am I making any sense? I go back tomorrow for my shot (wbc's). I'm hoping I can get some time with the doc to discuss this some more. If not then I'll ask for a consult with her prior to the next treatment. All I need is for her to stand her ground when making a decision. Just explain why. Are there other options? On the flip side of all of this, I am extremely grateful for the test results. Every one's support, care, concern, and prayers have been absolutely wonderful. I'm trying not to let the possibility of two more treatments over shadow my blessings. This is a tough decision for me. I will admit, this time, it really is all about me. I won't make a final decision until I know I can be a peace with it. As of now, my gut, my heart, and my head are saying no. I've prayed for strength and guidance since day one. I really need it now.

Waiting for Results

Completed the CT scan and PET scan. No results yet. Tuesday, 6/17, will be the big day. Treatment #7 and confirmation on the next step. Praying hard for good news. The chemo is wearing me down. Mentally, I feel strong but physically it's getting tough. Side effects are lasting longer. Sleeping helps so I'm doing more of that. Taking the pain meds but they don't always work. Laying down in a dark, cool room, listening to relaxation or healing music seems to help. All the years spent in Martial Arts have paid off. Though not physically defending myself, I am mentally. Was fortunate to have another Reiki treatment with Mary the other day. That's always a huge help. Thanks Mary! You're in my prayers as you travel and put closure to your situation. Via email, I signed up to receive a positive quote each day. The one below seems to really fit my situation. Pam...I know you'll enjoy this one.

Faith Is Knowing One of Two Things...
When you come to the end of all the light you know, and it is time to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
Edward Teller

#6 done - how many to go?

6 treatments down, not sure how many are left. Met with the doc today. Lung test came back such that the bleo (B) of the ABVD drugs was removed due to the lower lung volume. The heart test came back fine. In a month, we'll do another lung test to see how much has healed. At that time we'll see if the bleo is added back in. She also stated the lymph node on my neck was gone to the touch, which is great. The one under my arm is the same way. That's great news. Friday I'll have a CT scan of my chest and stomach. The chest part is normal which is to see how the chemo and cancer have reacted to each other. The stomach test is a safety test to make sure nothings going on other than a chemo side effect. I've been having a burning feeling about a week after treatments that last several days. Always the same time frame lasting the about three days. Next Wednesday, I'll have a PET scan. Also a normal test to see how the cancer and chemo have reacted to each other. When I go back for treatment #7, June 17th, we'll see if I get a few more chemo's or go to radiation after the 8th treatment. The way I understand this is, the purpose of chemo is to kill the cancer cells and shrink the masses as much as possible. Radiation is basically clean up on the masses. I'll also have another PET scan after the last chemo, whenever that is, along with a several week break before radiation. Here's the really good news! Two weekends after my last chemo, I can have a margarita! Doc said it was okay as long as I didn't get drunk. So, JD.....it's on baby! Looking forward to a double. So my feelings today are back in check. I'm okay with some more chemo if that's what it takes to kill the cancer and hopefully help reduce the radiation experience. That part is worrying me a little with those possible side effects. One day at a time though. Doing good mentally. A little tired physically but nothing new. The next visit will be a big deal. At least we'll know more on the future. So until then, hope everyone is enjoying their summer. Thanks for your continued support and prayers.

Doing Better

Well, for those of you who have never just sat in an empty church, you should try it. A very healing experience. I feel much better than the last posting and feel like I'm back on the right path. Pam....you're an angel! Thank you for your very inspiring words and prayers. I feel like I have my second wind. No treatment today. I didn't notice the appointment date but it's tomorrow. No openings today. Good news too. That means I'm one day closer to the next treatment. Shelby, my youngest daughter, gave me a new bandanna. It has skulls and flames all over it. Think I might wear that tomorrow just to be different. If nothing else it will make me smile knowing I can push the envelope. Have a great day everyone!

Staying Home

Well......I've decided to take a leave of absence until treatments are over. It was a hard decision but I think the right one. The main reason is due to not knowing how I'll feel each day. Being unreliable is new for me and not something I'm enjoying. So to make it easier on everyone at work, I'm staying home. Plus, I know I need to just chill for a while and focus 100% on me. Not something I'm use to doing so not really sure how to do this. I don't typically put myself ahead of others, plus I get bored easy. I know what you're all saying....take care of you! I know...I know....and I am. I'm working to stay positive and not angry. Three more treatments for chemo. A PET scan afterwards to see what the next step is. More chemo, start radiation, or is that it? One day at a time is getting to be a big challenge. Patience is not one of my better traits so you can imagine how I'm feeling. Trying to race to the finish line while running in place.

When I found out I had cancer, I had a strong pull to go to church. Not the normally Sunday service either. I would go and just sit....and cry...and pray for strength and guidance. I didn't ask "why me" because I feel very selfish with that thought. But I do ask what's at the end of this journey? What's at the end of the path? There's a reason this is happening.....what is that reason? Now that I'm over half way with chemo, I have the same feeling as I did in the beginning. The pull to the church. One part of this journey is close to the end. Chemo. After the last chemo treatment (July 1), I'll have another PET Scan to see how the cancer cells reacted. I'm very eager to know how the first leg of this journey ends. Very impatient. So I'll go and pray for patience. As a very smart woman once told me, "God has your back." Faith is what I'm lacking and need to find. So for all of you who have me in your prayers, I ask that you pray to restore my faith and to give me strength. I still believe God is watching over me but I'm angry I have to deal with this and I'm really trying not to be selfish. So if you all will pray to keep me strong, I'll pray for forgiveness.