Sunday 5/4/08 - Why?

Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about how cancer has effected my life. The one question I've yet to ask is "why me?" I'm not asking now but I am evaluating my life both pre and post cancer. Last year was really tough. Professionally, there was some turn over which resulted in others, including myself, taking on additional work. During those times stress was high which can make you question a lot of things. One is self worth. Without going into a lot of details, cancer has answered a lot of questions for me.

One day late last year, I spent the weekend with a good friend. As I sat at the waters edge watching the sunset (drinking a Miller Lite - which I could use right now), I started to question my career path. I think we all do that at some point or another. This was during a rough patch and was really more about self-worth. Not knowing what else to do, I prayed for guidance. Now, about seven months later, I have zero job responsibilities. Not quite what I expected. As I stated before, cancer strips you of your physical identity through the side effects. Now cancer has stripped me of my professional identity. Don't misread this. I'm still holding the same position at work but with changes to get through the treatments. By stating cancer strips you down, it in turn shows the raw being of a person. I've done a lot of soul searching since March 3rd (first time doc said uh oh). I've learned a lot about myself and have become a more spiritual person. I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe everything works out, one way or another. Some people may say...well duh...yes everything happens for a reason and yes things work out..they have to. To those people I say, don't be so cynical. When tough times occur, look within to find your answers.

Although cancer is a terrible disease, it has its good points. It makes you change what needs to change, hear what you need to hear, and see what needs to improve within yourself. It also strengthens friendships. That is one of the benefits I'm most grateful for. The most precious gift of all though is, it makes you see what you have. How many of us take things for granted? We all do. Speaking from experience.....slow down and enjoy the sunshine.

Tuesday May 6th is chemo#4. This is the half way point and I'm sooooo glad. I have to admit I'm getting a little tired of this rodeo. I'm ready to be healed. You all have been wonderful to me. Your continued support is a blessing. Thank you for sticking by me.