3 More to go

5th treatment complete....over the hump and on the down slide. I have to admit it's a bit more challenging for me now. Not only the physical side effects but mentally as well. I find myself just angry at the world. If anyone has input on the psychological aspects of anger and chemo, I'm all ears. I know how lucky I am to only be dealing with my type/stage of cancer but enough is enough. I know this journey has a purpose and I'm headed down the path to figure out why. And though I'm not suppose to wish for anything, I am ready for this to be over. I'm ready to be healed. If cancer was a person, hurt doesn't come close to what I'd do to them. Today doc said the node in my neck was practically undetectable. Same with the one under my arm. Great news! I've got another lung test tomorrow and echo cardiogram Thursday. Precautionary tests. Also got another drug for burning in tummy. Hopefully it works. Overall I'm doing fine. Over anxious but that's in my nature. Celebrated my birthday last week. Wasn't too bad of a day. Nice and sunny. Also watched my girls get inducted into the National Junior Honor Society for their middle school. I'm so proud of them for doing so well. I have awesome kids. Not much else to report. Thanks for your continued support and prayers. It keeps me going.

Tuesday 5/6/08 - Chemo#4 - Half way done!

Today took a bit longer than normal due to a later start. It's made me more tired than a morning session but overall feeling okay. A little irritable but not whacking anyone yet. Blood work came back good again this time. Whew! Met with the doc and found the node on my neck is even smaller. The one under my arm is NOT detectable which is good too. After my last scheduled chemo (7/1), we'll do another CT and PET Scan to see how the chemo and cancer cells reacted. That will determine if I get another round of chemo or go straight to Rad. Sounds like I'm doing Radiation no matter what. If I'm lucky I might be done with everything by the end of July. That will be nice. Not much else to post at this time. Thanks for the continued support. It's times like today where it really helps.

Sunday 5/4/08 - Why?

Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about how cancer has effected my life. The one question I've yet to ask is "why me?" I'm not asking now but I am evaluating my life both pre and post cancer. Last year was really tough. Professionally, there was some turn over which resulted in others, including myself, taking on additional work. During those times stress was high which can make you question a lot of things. One is self worth. Without going into a lot of details, cancer has answered a lot of questions for me.

One day late last year, I spent the weekend with a good friend. As I sat at the waters edge watching the sunset (drinking a Miller Lite - which I could use right now), I started to question my career path. I think we all do that at some point or another. This was during a rough patch and was really more about self-worth. Not knowing what else to do, I prayed for guidance. Now, about seven months later, I have zero job responsibilities. Not quite what I expected. As I stated before, cancer strips you of your physical identity through the side effects. Now cancer has stripped me of my professional identity. Don't misread this. I'm still holding the same position at work but with changes to get through the treatments. By stating cancer strips you down, it in turn shows the raw being of a person. I've done a lot of soul searching since March 3rd (first time doc said uh oh). I've learned a lot about myself and have become a more spiritual person. I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe everything works out, one way or another. Some people may say...well duh...yes everything happens for a reason and yes things work out..they have to. To those people I say, don't be so cynical. When tough times occur, look within to find your answers.

Although cancer is a terrible disease, it has its good points. It makes you change what needs to change, hear what you need to hear, and see what needs to improve within yourself. It also strengthens friendships. That is one of the benefits I'm most grateful for. The most precious gift of all though is, it makes you see what you have. How many of us take things for granted? We all do. Speaking from experience.....slow down and enjoy the sunshine.

Tuesday May 6th is chemo#4. This is the half way point and I'm sooooo glad. I have to admit I'm getting a little tired of this rodeo. I'm ready to be healed. You all have been wonderful to me. Your continued support is a blessing. Thank you for sticking by me.