Well......I've decided to take a leave of absence until treatments are over. It was a hard decision but I think the right one. The main reason is due to not knowing how I'll feel each day. Being unreliable is new for me and not something I'm enjoying. So to make it easier on everyone at work, I'm staying home. Plus, I know I need to just chill for a while and focus 100% on me. Not something I'm use to doing so not really sure how to do this. I don't typically put myself ahead of others, plus I get bored easy. I know what you're all saying....take care of you! I know...I know....and I am. I'm working to stay positive and not angry. Three more treatments for chemo. A PET scan afterwards to see what the next step is. More chemo, start radiation, or is that it? One day at a time is getting to be a big challenge. Patience is not one of my better traits so you can imagine how I'm feeling. Trying to race to the finish line while running in place.
When I found out I had cancer, I had a strong pull to go to church. Not the normally Sunday service either. I would go and just sit....and cry...and pray for strength and guidance. I didn't ask "why me" because I feel very selfish with that thought. But I do ask what's at the end of this journey? What's at the end of the path? There's a reason this is happening.....what is that reason? Now that I'm over half way with chemo, I have the same feeling as I did in the beginning. The pull to the church. One part of this journey is close to the end. Chemo. After the last chemo treatment (July 1), I'll have another PET Scan to see how the cancer cells reacted. I'm very eager to know how the first leg of this journey ends. Very impatient. So I'll go and pray for patience. As a very smart woman once told me, "God has your back." Faith is what I'm lacking and need to find. So for all of you who have me in your prayers, I ask that you pray to restore my faith and to give me strength. I still believe God is watching over me but I'm angry I have to deal with this and I'm really trying not to be selfish. So if you all will pray to keep me strong, I'll pray for forgiveness.
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Hodgkins Lymphoma
As Eleanor Roosevelt once said "You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face." This is how I danced with the devil during my fight wth Hodgkins.
Priorities
Hope - Strength - Love
Hodgkins Lymphoma
3 comments:
Annie, honey, it's ok to feel angry, it's ok to scream at the damn Ca and the whole damn thing that had been delt to you. It's just not right! But you know,Jesus got angry too. He got angry several times and showed it. If he can do that so can we lowly people here on earth now.
You have that pull to church because that is the Lord's home. It is our hme too. It's where people of faith are. Each and every one of us has a time in which we cannot draw exclusivly on our own faith to get us through our trials but the other people of faith can help us. They help us through thier prayers and thiern concern and love. Jon and I went through six months of serious trials last year that we could not have made it through without the love, care and prayers of those who care about us. We didn't tknow what our future was going o be for awhile and it was a very hard and frustrating time. We were scared! But God got us through it all. Now I am not comparing what we went through to what you are going through right now but it was a bad situation and our lives hung in the air for awhile. I just want you to know that the Lord is healing you but he is drawing you to those who will be there for you to help you handle all you have to deal with. I speak for myself but I'm sure others who love you agree with what I'm saying. We are here for you in any way we can be. Day or night 24 hours. and I mean that. If you are awake at say 3:00A.M. and you need to talk just dial my number and I will be "On Call" for you. I mean that seriously, call at any hour day or night! Sometimes that is all you need to feel a little better, just a friend at the other end of the phone. You are going to beat this thing, you will be the victor, you are going to be healed and I truly believe this with all of my heart so hang in ther girl and keep the positive thoughts up. Keep on being angry but remember to direct it at the CA cells. Stay drawn to the Lord,the church and the love of all who go there each week even when you can't go yourself. Just keeping the fellowship however you can keeps you in touch and you are neve out of touch with God no matter where you are. Annie, you are God's child and he loves you, he is healing you at this very moment. You will come out on top! Trust in him.
Hi,I woke up thinking about you this morning and I said a prayer for your faith to come back stronger than ever. I pray God will fill your heart with faith and trust in him and give you peace to know that your faith is restored. It's there Annie, it's just being a little hard to find with all you are going through. But don't worry about it, the Lord undedrstands and he is very patient. Hang in there, there are many more prayers going up for you day and night.
Annie,
You know I think about you everyday... And what I want to say is that you need not to worry about work and everyone else. Focus on you and the family. These are the important things in life. Maybe that's the message. Take this time to enjoy all of the beautiful things in your life.
Monica :)
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