3 More to go

5th treatment complete....over the hump and on the down slide. I have to admit it's a bit more challenging for me now. Not only the physical side effects but mentally as well. I find myself just angry at the world. If anyone has input on the psychological aspects of anger and chemo, I'm all ears. I know how lucky I am to only be dealing with my type/stage of cancer but enough is enough. I know this journey has a purpose and I'm headed down the path to figure out why. And though I'm not suppose to wish for anything, I am ready for this to be over. I'm ready to be healed. If cancer was a person, hurt doesn't come close to what I'd do to them. Today doc said the node in my neck was practically undetectable. Same with the one under my arm. Great news! I've got another lung test tomorrow and echo cardiogram Thursday. Precautionary tests. Also got another drug for burning in tummy. Hopefully it works. Overall I'm doing fine. Over anxious but that's in my nature. Celebrated my birthday last week. Wasn't too bad of a day. Nice and sunny. Also watched my girls get inducted into the National Junior Honor Society for their middle school. I'm so proud of them for doing so well. I have awesome kids. Not much else to report. Thanks for your continued support and prayers. It keeps me going.

Tuesday 5/6/08 - Chemo#4 - Half way done!

Today took a bit longer than normal due to a later start. It's made me more tired than a morning session but overall feeling okay. A little irritable but not whacking anyone yet. Blood work came back good again this time. Whew! Met with the doc and found the node on my neck is even smaller. The one under my arm is NOT detectable which is good too. After my last scheduled chemo (7/1), we'll do another CT and PET Scan to see how the chemo and cancer cells reacted. That will determine if I get another round of chemo or go straight to Rad. Sounds like I'm doing Radiation no matter what. If I'm lucky I might be done with everything by the end of July. That will be nice. Not much else to post at this time. Thanks for the continued support. It's times like today where it really helps.

Sunday 5/4/08 - Why?

Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I couldn't stop thinking about how cancer has effected my life. The one question I've yet to ask is "why me?" I'm not asking now but I am evaluating my life both pre and post cancer. Last year was really tough. Professionally, there was some turn over which resulted in others, including myself, taking on additional work. During those times stress was high which can make you question a lot of things. One is self worth. Without going into a lot of details, cancer has answered a lot of questions for me.

One day late last year, I spent the weekend with a good friend. As I sat at the waters edge watching the sunset (drinking a Miller Lite - which I could use right now), I started to question my career path. I think we all do that at some point or another. This was during a rough patch and was really more about self-worth. Not knowing what else to do, I prayed for guidance. Now, about seven months later, I have zero job responsibilities. Not quite what I expected. As I stated before, cancer strips you of your physical identity through the side effects. Now cancer has stripped me of my professional identity. Don't misread this. I'm still holding the same position at work but with changes to get through the treatments. By stating cancer strips you down, it in turn shows the raw being of a person. I've done a lot of soul searching since March 3rd (first time doc said uh oh). I've learned a lot about myself and have become a more spiritual person. I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe everything works out, one way or another. Some people may say...well duh...yes everything happens for a reason and yes things work out..they have to. To those people I say, don't be so cynical. When tough times occur, look within to find your answers.

Although cancer is a terrible disease, it has its good points. It makes you change what needs to change, hear what you need to hear, and see what needs to improve within yourself. It also strengthens friendships. That is one of the benefits I'm most grateful for. The most precious gift of all though is, it makes you see what you have. How many of us take things for granted? We all do. Speaking from experience.....slow down and enjoy the sunshine.

Tuesday May 6th is chemo#4. This is the half way point and I'm sooooo glad. I have to admit I'm getting a little tired of this rodeo. I'm ready to be healed. You all have been wonderful to me. Your continued support is a blessing. Thank you for sticking by me.

Tuesday 4/22/08 - Chemo#3 Complete

What a great day! Blood work came back good. WBC's are up, way up, from last visit so the shot is working. Iron pills are kicking in to hold RBC's in place. Chemo juice went well too. Feeling really good today. Getting my hair buzzed over the weekend has made all the difference. One less thing to worry about. I watched Good Morning America today and saw Robyn Roberts without her wig. What a beautiful woman and more power to her. I was chearing from the couch! My hair is about that short. Seeing her on national tv was very encouraging. What a great example for all cancer patients. I have to share an experience from today's Chemo. Ric is sick so not able to go in with me today. He played cab driver and was not there to keep me quite. Each time I go in, there are a few others who are on the same schedule as I. One imparticular is a man, not elderly, but a little older, who seems to find the negative side of treatment each week and share with me. Well, I really don't want to hear about the negative side. I know what they are. I've tried to be pleasant but today we had to chat. Don't worry, I was nice (really I was). But I can't just sit by idle while he stirs everyone up within ear shot. He asked me how many treatments I've had, which this was the third. I asked him the same. He replies 12 total with today being #7. I reply that's great. You're half way done. He looked at me like I was nuts! His reply was "Great!" then made some goofy noise. I looked at him and said listen...it could be worse. You could NOT be receiving treatment. At least you're being treated. Where's the faith! Where's your will to get better?! Well needless to say that conversation ended. We did talk later but not about that. I'm telling you. Cancer Rebel here........you sit on my row and you will have hope....you will have faith......and we will kick Cancer's Ass! Nothing less is acceptable. Maybe I can help turn him around. I was very fortunate to also sit next to some good friends. Kay and Joel were there for Joel's last chemo while having 3 more rad's to completion. Great job Joel! Hang in there. Kay and Joel were here when Ric and I joined the unit. Kay was one of the wives who "groomed" me to be a Lady Nightstalker. Awesome lady! Please keep them in your prayers as he completes and heals from his treatments. We definitely will have a hell of party when this is over. Well my friends and family, not much else to report this time. 5 more treatments! Woo Hoo. Almost half way. Thank you for your continued support and prayers. It's all working. Have a great week!

Sunday 4/20/08 - Moving On

Well another hurdle is complete. A week ago tomorrow, my hair started to come out. Although I knew this would happen, this has been a struggle for me. As I was washing my hair, I noticed "tons" in my hands. The only thought I could muster was...well crap! The rest of the day was a bit of a bummer, emotionally. Tuesday came and the same thing happened. Pretty much the same thought but as I was getting ready for work, I stood looking at my hair in the mirror, looked at the sink full of hair, back to the mirror, and though...it's just hair. At that moment, I think I came to grips to work past this situation. You see, cancer physically strips you of your identity through the various side effects (nausa, aches, hair loss, mental draining, etc). My whole goal is to face each obstical head on, as I try to do in everyday life. Running away is not something I know how to do. Tuesday was a good day for me. Wednesday was a prep day, of sorts. My friend Debbie was able to make an appointment at her hair salon for a lady to cut/style my wig. She did a great job too! I will admit, when the fitting was over, emotionally it was tough to see me with a wig on. Yes tears were evident but short lived. After showing my mom and two ladies she works with, hearing their reassurance made me feel better. My next stop was work. I thought about going home, but felt biting the bullet was what needed to be done. Luckily my coworkers felt it looked okay as well. Whew. Of course I had them all swear they'd tell me if the stupid thing is ever crooked. On Thursday/Friday, I had every intention of wearing the wig but decided to wash/dry/somewhat style my own hair, just one last time. Fortunatly all went well. I did notice considerable thinning right above my forehead which solidifed my decision to get a buzz cut. Saturday was my day. After a week of assiting with the Fortune 500 issue, a nice dinner with the customer, it was time to take care of business. I'm not one to ask for anything but having JD there was very reasssuring. It allowed me to humor my way through a tough time. Thank you for being there for me. I had surfed the internet for women's buzz cuts....you'd be amazed what showed up! I only found one picture for reference. As I was getting buzzed, I thought I would be emotionally weak. I wasn't. That just reassured me it was the right move. It actually doesn't look that bad either. So now, I'm ready to move forward with the wig. I have my hats and scarfs as well. Now all I have to focus on are the treatments. I found out I will be getting another shot to boost my white blood cells. Seems like the routine will be chemo on Tuesdays with the shot on Wednesdays. Whatever it takes. This adventure has taught me a lot so far. The biggest lesson came from my surgeon. Prior to the biopsy, on 3/6/08, he made a statement that has had a profound effect on me. Instead of hoping/wishing for anything, just take what you're dealt with and deal with it. It would be easy for me to stay home everyday due to aches/pains/not feeling well. But that's not me. Through the meaningful words of my surgeon and shear praying for strength and guidance, I've learned to deal with what today brings. Tomorrow is no guarantee. Living life as normal as possible is the ultimate goal. So next week brings chemo#3. I'm anxious to get started so I can say in the next blog, five more to go. Woo Hoo! I hope everyone has a great week. I know I will.